he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
