We're like a lot better than the average bears
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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