I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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