I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
