You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
