I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
