Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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