Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
