I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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