I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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