I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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