when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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