life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
