I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
