once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
