Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
