Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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