Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
