you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
