I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
