I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I could fuck to npr.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
