He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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