The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
