3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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