she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
