My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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