Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
