I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
