He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think i got beer on your cat.
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