I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
