he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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