Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
