my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
