After last night, I could never be a politician.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
