every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
