Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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