At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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