Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
