As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have aggressive nipples.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
