Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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