I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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