I feel like abortions should bother me more
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
