Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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