I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
