I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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