Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
