i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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