Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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