when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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