my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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