burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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