I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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