John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
